How You Feel

I am in a strange place in my life, and I'm not even sure if I have the ability to articulate it here. 
Often the reason I write is to help me make better sense of not only this world, but my place within the confusion. 

I haven't written here in a couple of weeks, and at first it was because I wasn't feeling well physically. 

Of course, it is normal for that to carry over into not feeling well emotionally, but that sinking feeling of the blues can be terrifying for someone prone to depression and anxiety. 

My yoga practice is how 

I center myself, and how I reconnect physically and emotionally, but my body was too tired. 

I easily fall into a self-critical thought pattern, and I decided that just because my physical practice was on hiatus, I could still meditate. 

That would be my yoga practice...

I still have so much to learn! 

The problem with sitting in a silent meditation for me, with only my breath, is that I dissociate. 

I'm a pro at leaving my body, so that was not working. 

Instead of using an alternative, I berated myself for not being able to meditate "right." 

I asked a friend from teacher's training, who specializes in meditation, and also happens to be a psychologist, if I should continue to keep trying. 

Even though in my heart, I knew I should find an alternative, like guided meditation, I needed someone else to tell me it was okay, and she did. 
I don't  have to be perfect. 
I need joy to teach yoga, but joy was missing. I get stuck in a feeling, and fear that it will last forever. 
I'm definitely not the most rational person in the world. 
I talk the talk, but I do not always walk the walk. 

I should mention that one by one, our boys are moving out. 
Every morning, I walk by empty bedrooms, and although I love that they are moving toward independence, it is different...

I will be 50 in August...
am I even a grown up? 
I'm still working on that, so it feels incongruous with reality. 
I'm taking my sweet time...
I want everything! 
I want to take care of myself, but to be coddled, and it changes from moment to moment. 

Is this how you feel?

Do you feel like your heart is breaking from joy and pain, and that you don't even know the difference?

Do you?